Paralyzing Despair

On the side bar over at Mrs. C's blog, My Daily Emotional RollerCoaster, there is a little definition of bipolar which, in part, reads: Bipolar Disorder used to be called manic depression. A person with bipolar disorder can swing from extreme mood states of invincible elation to paralyzing despair and back.

Those words: paralyzing despair really struck a chord with me. I have been extremely low lately and although I suspect a manic phase may be coming, I am debilitated by how depressed I am. It is the worst feeling ever to have no energy and no motivation to do any normal daily things and to feel judged as just lazy when you are really incapable. 

Being bipolar is far from easy. I NEED my energy so I can be a good parent and be there for my son during his depression. I do not choose for it (energy) to be gone and I don't think very many people understand that. For the families of bipolar people: there comes a time when we may need more help than usual and we may not be ourselves. We could need help with everything from day to day activities and chores to life changing decisions. Please love us and support us when we are ill. Our recovery depends on having supportive people who love us and can realize we do not choose to be manic or depressed and finding the right meds is not easy.

Today I am somewhere between paralyzed with despair and invincible elation, but I am far from stable and I could go either way tomorrow. I am praying for my meds to work and for stability to return.

Neglected Blogs. Blogs and I need some TLC

I haven't been writing here. I have barely been able to write on my main blog, My Scared Insanity. That is the thing with having a mental illness... my interests and capabilities can change so suddenly. I can go from having so much to say I can hardly STOP myself from writing, to not being able to find any meaningful words. I think I am somewhere in between right now, but I am going to use this blog again for its intended purpose. My random thoughts and rants that aren't directly related to anything.

I must admit I have a specific thought right now that I am a little too chicken to ask on my main blog. Why did I lose all interest from all of my followers? I may find the courage to ask over there, although I guess I am afraid of asking no one because I don't seem to have any interested readers anymore. I remember a time when I used to post and I would have like 5 responses within the hour. Ironically I started the blog just for myself, not even realizing there would be anyone interested in my writing, but I came to depend on and look forward to everyone's support and comments. Is it because of the time where I was absent and neglected both blogs? Did everyone feel betrayed because I had been drinking so much? Did my writing just start sucking? I guess I can only go back to writing from my heart and if I am able to help one person then I should be thankful and maybe one day there will be people who care enough to comment again. I just feel like I messed up such a good thing.

just so sad and lonely

I just don't feel good. Don't know which way I am going. Simple things seem so freakin hard lately- both physically and mentally. Im up one minute, down the next five. I feel like nobody is listening, and I don't even know what it would mean if they were. I am afraid to feel. I just want to be loved, want to be important to somebody. I surely miss my grandpa and grandma, and my mom and Thomas. Why do all the people who loved me have to be gone? Why couldn't I see it when they were here and love them back?

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?

venting

When I am the sickest, or the most emotionally disturbed, is when it takes the most work to get better. It is also when I have the least energy and motivation. Some things only get worse with time and its a snowball effect. I want to feel better, oh how I so desperately want to feel better, but I don't feel good enough to get going in the wrong direction. It will eventually get to the point that my fight or flight kicks in. I don't like functioning on crisis mode either. I definitely need to find it in me to implement some changes.

Go to Jail Little Boy

Some things just do not go together. I do not know exactly where my parenting beliefs came from, but I think it is safe to assume that common sense plays a part. Today I was going to pick up my daughter 10 minutes early from school because she had a Dr's appointment. As I was walking by all the parents waiting for dismissal, I happened by a little boy who was wandering a little far from his mother. I assume he was about 2 years old. The Mom yelled at him to come back. He kept about his business of spinning around a pole.

The mother, who was arguing with someone on her phone, and appeared irritated with her son, walked closer to him and told him that the Police were coming for him. He looked towards her, but didn't move. She then said that if he didn't get over  by her, the Police were coming and he would go to jail. He still didn't move, so she walked up to him, grabbed him by the arm, and pulled him back to the giant flower pot she had been standing near. I couldn't help but thinking how sad it is that a parent would put fear into such a young child, and would use law enforcement as the means to control her 2 year old son.

I continued on in the school, and signed out my daughter. We walked down the halls and back out to the front of the school. I noticed that the little boy was back playing at the pole, as his mom paced by the pot, still engaged in an argument on the phone. Guess the police never came, and the 2 year old lucked out that he isn't going to jail today