Wednesday, October 27, 2010

and just because....

my thoughts are racing and its just me and Victorya (3) and she is grouchy and I am too tired and hurting to get out of this chair.....

Everybody has been sick since we moved into this duplex. We had concerns of mold when we moved in, but the landlord appeared to resolve them. Now I am not so sure. I have looked up "leaky houses" and found some sources that say small amounts of constant moisture and mold (not even black mold) can cause depression and anxiety. I am just so unsure of why my niece got so much more incredibly sick when she got here. I am so freaked out by the level my son's anxiety is at. I have never experienced anxiety, especially the uncontrollable kind that seems based on simple sounds or colors like his is. For some reason I just have this feeling that some of these things are related to this house in some way. I came accross a paranormal investigator's blog and I even entertained the idea that something paranormal could be contributing to all of the negativity we have experienced in the last year. Am I being paranoid?

Just some insight into what my current dysfunction is.... my 3 year old is running around naked cause she refuses to put anything on and I am too tired to make her. She helped herself to 1/3 a loaf of bread and all I could do was ask her if she closed the fridge. She ate all of the insides and littered the crusts all over the floor and I just sat here typing, occasionally glancing at the mess. Then I had a brilliant idea and I called the yodeling french bulldog, Bonita, that we rescued, to eat up the mess. She did better than a vacuum would of. Ironically, we rescued her because our cousin that owned her couldn't deal with her separation anxiety, which is what leads to her unique and incredibly annoying yodeling behavior.

Since being here, her yodeling initially only occurred when faced with a closed door or when everyone left the house. We decided that kenneling her might be contributing to her insecurities, so we decided to let her have free roam of the house. She freaked out on the rats for awhile and tried eating them through the cage. They seem to have come to an understanding. She will sit patiently and stare at them and they will go about their business and she doesn't yodel at them any more.

She is growing on all of us and she hardly ever yodels anymore. It is such a unique and annoying noise, but I admit I might miss it if she stopped doing it completely, because it is pretty damn funny, as long as no one is trying to sleep :)

It feels so good to just get all my racing thoughts out there. My naked daughter is now asleep on the couch with half the middle of a piece of bread in hand. When my 10 year old gets here, I think I am going to help her raise the money she needs for an amusement park trip on Friday, by letting her do some of the chores my back won't let me do right now.

By the way, this flare up was caused by me thinking I could cut my son's surfer/skater shag hair into the Pauly D haircut he wanted. It turned out like he wanted, but it took several hours, and we didn't get done until 1 am. Then I had to help him style it, and we didn't have any Spiker or hairspray, just cheap gel, so it took some serious work! Then he slept sitting up so he wouldn't mess it up.

out of order

I am. I am out of order. I was trying to do an emotional purge on my other blog and I just can't finish it. My back pain is debilitating and it is getting to me in a major way. I am already dependent on pills for my (still) undiagnosed stomach pain and nerve pain from my body lift. I have been taking more of those pills for my back pain because I know narcotics are in my future if I go to the Dr.

I probably need them. I did the regimen of steroids, percocet, and muscle relaxers that the ER prescribed and it physically helped me.... until the pills ran out. They left behind psychological effects. I don't like Dr's.I don't like pills and I don't like that they always have side effects. I don't like trying to explain hours of agony, feelings that I am unsure of the origin, trying to decipher side effects vs. real symptoms, and having a Dr. listen for a short 15 minutes, just to throw out a Rx for more pills with more side effects and dependency risks and suggestions to go to other miserable 15 minute appointments with different "specialists" or "therapists."

I have worked through so much emotional stuff and learned to manage my bipolar without meds, but I do not know how to handle it when I am in physical pain that is restricting me from taking care of my home, my kids, and myself, and the solution is pills with psychological side effects. I think some sort of physical therapy may be helpful, but I can barely drag myself around my house today. The idea of getting in a car and going to a Dr's office seems impossible. Then there is the issue of finding an appointment time in the few business hours available so that someone is home with the kids, and I still have to manage 2 therapy appointments a week for my son.

I don't want sympathy and I know I will have no choice except to find a solution. I will dig deep and I will push through like I always do. I am just especially tired. I am also afraid because I am manic right now and if depression were to replace it, things would spiral further down.

I haven't had to deal with a serious physical limitation like this in so long. I don't even know if I mentioned what happened. I pulled a muscle in my back when trying to clean up the laundry room floor after the sewage back up was fixed. Everything sets me back. I keep pushing myself too much apparently.

Ok I did it, I am on the phone with Dr's office. Apt. Friday at 8:30 am. probably going to have to take 3 year old, but it is a start. Did I mention I don't like Dr's?

Monday, October 25, 2010

no time

I need to vent and I don't have time! I have been emotionally binging the last few weeks. I have been going through a lot of the emotional past with my niece (her past, not mine) and then her suicide attempts have become  my emotional present. I love this girl so much, but I think I may be literally "loving her to death." We have had some good laughs over these last weeks. We have even joked about me writing a little memoir of the events and calling it "The Suicide (attempt) Diaries."

Last night was a short and sweet "attempt." Three beers and a half a bottle of benadryl. Sigh.

I need more time. She gives me perspective of what "time" really means. Ahhh what it felt like to be 21 and suicidal... feeling so immortal... only 10 short years ago.

Who knew I would turn into a rather emotionally stable, medication free, (mostly) functional mother of 3, that doesn't even remember the last time I felt suicidal? I sure didn't.

Our time together is coming to an end, hopefully just for now. I can't right all of the wrongs of your near 22 years of life, young one. I hope I have left you with something that you will look back on in 10 years. I hope we will look back on this time with the same humor we found together in our "suicide slumber party" and admire the strides you are about to take.

I wish I had more time to write, but what is that I hear calling me? Oh yes, yes I recognize it now. It is life.