Monday, October 3, 2011

Paralyzing Despair

On the side bar over at Mrs. C's blog, My Daily Emotional RollerCoaster, there is a little definition of bipolar which, in part, reads: Bipolar Disorder used to be called manic depression. A person with bipolar disorder can swing from extreme mood states of invincible elation to paralyzing despair and back.

Those words: paralyzing despair really struck a chord with me. I have been extremely low lately and although I suspect a manic phase may be coming, I am debilitated by how depressed I am. It is the worst feeling ever to have no energy and no motivation to do any normal daily things and to feel judged as just lazy when you are really incapable. 

Being bipolar is far from easy. I NEED my energy so I can be a good parent and be there for my son during his depression. I do not choose for it (energy) to be gone and I don't think very many people understand that. For the families of bipolar people: there comes a time when we may need more help than usual and we may not be ourselves. We could need help with everything from day to day activities and chores to life changing decisions. Please love us and support us when we are ill. Our recovery depends on having supportive people who love us and can realize we do not choose to be manic or depressed and finding the right meds is not easy.

Today I am somewhere between paralyzed with despair and invincible elation, but I am far from stable and I could go either way tomorrow. I am praying for my meds to work and for stability to return.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Neglected Blogs. Blogs and I need some TLC

I haven't been writing here. I have barely been able to write on my main blog, My Scared Insanity. That is the thing with having a mental illness... my interests and capabilities can change so suddenly. I can go from having so much to say I can hardly STOP myself from writing, to not being able to find any meaningful words. I think I am somewhere in between right now, but I am going to use this blog again for its intended purpose. My random thoughts and rants that aren't directly related to anything.

I must admit I have a specific thought right now that I am a little too chicken to ask on my main blog. Why did I lose all interest from all of my followers? I may find the courage to ask over there, although I guess I am afraid of asking no one because I don't seem to have any interested readers anymore. I remember a time when I used to post and I would have like 5 responses within the hour. Ironically I started the blog just for myself, not even realizing there would be anyone interested in my writing, but I came to depend on and look forward to everyone's support and comments. Is it because of the time where I was absent and neglected both blogs? Did everyone feel betrayed because I had been drinking so much? Did my writing just start sucking? I guess I can only go back to writing from my heart and if I am able to help one person then I should be thankful and maybe one day there will be people who care enough to comment again. I just feel like I messed up such a good thing.