Monday, October 25, 2010

no time

I need to vent and I don't have time! I have been emotionally binging the last few weeks. I have been going through a lot of the emotional past with my niece (her past, not mine) and then her suicide attempts have become  my emotional present. I love this girl so much, but I think I may be literally "loving her to death." We have had some good laughs over these last weeks. We have even joked about me writing a little memoir of the events and calling it "The Suicide (attempt) Diaries."

Last night was a short and sweet "attempt." Three beers and a half a bottle of benadryl. Sigh.

I need more time. She gives me perspective of what "time" really means. Ahhh what it felt like to be 21 and suicidal... feeling so immortal... only 10 short years ago.

Who knew I would turn into a rather emotionally stable, medication free, (mostly) functional mother of 3, that doesn't even remember the last time I felt suicidal? I sure didn't.

Our time together is coming to an end, hopefully just for now. I can't right all of the wrongs of your near 22 years of life, young one. I hope I have left you with something that you will look back on in 10 years. I hope we will look back on this time with the same humor we found together in our "suicide slumber party" and admire the strides you are about to take.

I wish I had more time to write, but what is that I hear calling me? Oh yes, yes I recognize it now. It is life.


  1. I think it's really awesome that you have been there for your niece. I can imagine it is terrible hard and emotionally draining. I pray that she will hear you and start living one step at a time. Bless you. Sending you love and hugs. XX

  2. I hope that she will come to appreciate how great life is. I am glad that you do. Enjoy it all. It goes by so fast.