Wednesday, October 27, 2010

out of order

I am. I am out of order. I was trying to do an emotional purge on my other blog and I just can't finish it. My back pain is debilitating and it is getting to me in a major way. I am already dependent on pills for my (still) undiagnosed stomach pain and nerve pain from my body lift. I have been taking more of those pills for my back pain because I know narcotics are in my future if I go to the Dr.

I probably need them. I did the regimen of steroids, percocet, and muscle relaxers that the ER prescribed and it physically helped me.... until the pills ran out. They left behind psychological effects. I don't like Dr's.I don't like pills and I don't like that they always have side effects. I don't like trying to explain hours of agony, feelings that I am unsure of the origin, trying to decipher side effects vs. real symptoms, and having a Dr. listen for a short 15 minutes, just to throw out a Rx for more pills with more side effects and dependency risks and suggestions to go to other miserable 15 minute appointments with different "specialists" or "therapists."

I have worked through so much emotional stuff and learned to manage my bipolar without meds, but I do not know how to handle it when I am in physical pain that is restricting me from taking care of my home, my kids, and myself, and the solution is pills with psychological side effects. I think some sort of physical therapy may be helpful, but I can barely drag myself around my house today. The idea of getting in a car and going to a Dr's office seems impossible. Then there is the issue of finding an appointment time in the few business hours available so that someone is home with the kids, and I still have to manage 2 therapy appointments a week for my son.

I don't want sympathy and I know I will have no choice except to find a solution. I will dig deep and I will push through like I always do. I am just especially tired. I am also afraid because I am manic right now and if depression were to replace it, things would spiral further down.

I haven't had to deal with a serious physical limitation like this in so long. I don't even know if I mentioned what happened. I pulled a muscle in my back when trying to clean up the laundry room floor after the sewage back up was fixed. Everything sets me back. I keep pushing myself too much apparently.

Ok I did it, I am on the phone with Dr's office. Apt. Friday at 8:30 am. probably going to have to take 3 year old, but it is a start. Did I mention I don't like Dr's?

1 comment:

  1. I hope that your pain lessens. Back pain is a terrible thing to have.