up then down

happy then sad. irritated then calm. I HATE when meds mess with my bipolar depression and mania. I feel so isolated when my moods are unpredictable and I start to have severe anxiety when I either have a symptom (for now they are pain or nausea because of my undiagnosed stomach problems) or when I know I am going to have to do something about it (in this case either try the prescribed medicine or call the Dr. for a new one). I am talking MAJOR anxiety. I have got to find the right Dr. that can take the time to find appropriate medications for both my physical (post gastric bypass and now ill with chronic pain) and mental (bi-polar non-medicated) conditions.  I am seriously taking one slow and steady step at a time because I will not go back into the mental health system and become a puppet to a bunch of psych meds. I may not be a Dr. but I am the expert on me, and I have worked waaaaay too hard to balance out my life and use my emotional tools to deal with my mental illness, to be lead back to a drug dependence.

just.breathe.

Who am I?

Today this question keeps nagging at me. There are so many simple answers like Mom, survivor, mentally ill, recovered addict, Partner, woman. I am vaguely aware of every one at every moment and perhaps that is why I feel like my thoughts are so disorganized lately. At times I just want to be. Thats all. just. be. No expectations, no facade about who I am. Luckily that is usually how I am. Its the other little times when that voice of conformity gets in my head that I really start to go a little crazy.

Should I be like this or like that? Should I parent like this or like that? Should I look like this or like that? all referring to some societal norm, likely that I disagree with. Thats just who I am!