Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post about my son's broken arm. I really wanted to respond individually to a couple of you and the time just got away from me. A quick update on him: I got him into an ortho and paid a down payment on the treatment. the total bill for that Dr. will be almost $1000, but I can get a 40% discount if I pay it in full in 3 weeks (when he will get his cast off). I left the bill with the school principal who was too busy" interviewing" to see me. I fully intend on emailing her that I feel very strongly that the parents should pay the bill. It doesn't even include the hospital bill, but I know the insurance we applied for will go retro-active for 90 days.

My strong convictions are weighed down by my own physical limitations and mental angst. The whole ordeal is just to lengthy to explain in entirety, but I will sum it up. I am pretty certain I have a hernia from picking up my two-year-old. Seeing as I have no insurance, I went to the state hospital where we are on a sliding scale. Talk about dehumanizing. After eight hours of being treated poorly and getting drugged up on morphine, I was sent home. Still unable to eat or lift anything without pain, I gave in and went to the local ER. CT scan and ultrasound showed nothing specific, but I was told my insides are rather abnormal because of all of my abdominal surgeries and that they really recommend an exploratory surgery.

Yeah, let me just go get in line for the free operations that are available.

So I am in constant pain, I can't pick up my daughter, can't do much without hurting myself worse, and can't eat without pain. Of course the cleaning/door guy at Bryson's work quit so he has been training the new cleaning guy and has to work the door on top of his 6 days he already works. Not much energy left over for me and the kids. The ER can only give meds for 48 hours following when you are seen. The clinic where I could go has NO appointments available.... AT ALL. I have to call everyday for a possible cancellation. A week of that so far and no surprise, no cancellations.

I am worn out. It has been raining which adds to my distress. I cannot go to the ER every couple of days, but I cannot live like this. I am trying to remind myself of how worse it actually could be. Staying thankful for things like heat, shelter, hot water, my bed, the little food I can keep down, and that the pain meds have given me a nice break from my insomnia. I am also aware that being an addict, I am likely to experience some depression now that I am out of pills. Working hard not to start a viscous cycle and looking for a real solution instead of the band-aid that pain pills are.