I took a break from writing my post on my other blog. A lot of people may have wondered if it was just too painful to continue. It is not painful for me to recount anymore. It is a part of a long learning process to who I am today. There is an irony to my childhood wisdom and hate for drug use because of my later drug abuse and negligent choices. I would like to divulge some of the rise and decent of my values through life.
The problem with writing, and with expressing feeling and experiences that were monumental in my life, is that I want some of the experience of my learning to be carried on in my words. Sometimes my own reminders of those experiences are songs, an item, a photograph, or a movie. Those things are what guide me to write certain posts, but as I relive the memory, I am now aware of my present reality.
My painful experiences used to consume me. Although I let them consume me for brief periods of time and long enough to express past unsaid feelings through writing or meaningful dialog with people, I have learned that I must stay present in today in order to succeed in my recovery.
All of the pain and emotions that I didn't believe were in my control led me to try to control people. When that didn't work, I thought I was the failure. With a few negative authority figures that were ever present to remind me of their perception of my failures, drugs provided the much needed break from all of the pain and rejection. Being addicted to a substance was far from the worst part of my addiction. It was really a minor complication when I look at the big picture now. That is because I have worked with a lot of determination to change the circumstances that led to my drug abuse. I am not ever afraid of relapsing anymore. The things that led me to the comforts of drugs are not uncomfortable anymore. I have tools; I have skills; and I have learned to believe in myself in spite of diversity.
The lack of meaningful love without expectations that led to self hatred was a big problem, but it was not a problem I could change or fix. There was an awful cycle of co-dependency in full swing in both directions. My family had created an unnecessary cycle in which we believed our differences separated us, and that no matter how severe our disagreements, we still believed we needed each other. There was no room for change or growth or differences, but to admit we were better off on our own was interpreted as a betrayal. There was unsaid expectations for each person to stand on their own two feet, without being afraid to ask for a shoulder to lean on (but how much responsibility "on your own two feet" actually meant, and how much "shoulder leaning" was actually taking advantage, was always up for debate). All that lecturing, teaching, preaching, setting an example, followed by all the disappointment that I was doing things differently, and then all of the rescuing me from myself..... I was subconsciously being taught that what I was doing was not good enough and that I was not good enough to do it on my own.
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It is hard to admit the time for change has arrived. That is what keeps so many unhappy couples together. Separation is very painful too, but the time in between deciding to make a move is very dificult.
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My co-dependency was learned early in life. But it wasn't until much later that I found how unmanageable my life was and how sad I had become. I am glad that you found who you were. It is a good feeling to finally know myself.
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