Paralyzing Despair

On the side bar over at Mrs. C's blog, My Daily Emotional RollerCoaster, there is a little definition of bipolar which, in part, reads: Bipolar Disorder used to be called manic depression. A person with bipolar disorder can swing from extreme mood states of invincible elation to paralyzing despair and back.

Those words: paralyzing despair really struck a chord with me. I have been extremely low lately and although I suspect a manic phase may be coming, I am debilitated by how depressed I am. It is the worst feeling ever to have no energy and no motivation to do any normal daily things and to feel judged as just lazy when you are really incapable. 

Being bipolar is far from easy. I NEED my energy so I can be a good parent and be there for my son during his depression. I do not choose for it (energy) to be gone and I don't think very many people understand that. For the families of bipolar people: there comes a time when we may need more help than usual and we may not be ourselves. We could need help with everything from day to day activities and chores to life changing decisions. Please love us and support us when we are ill. Our recovery depends on having supportive people who love us and can realize we do not choose to be manic or depressed and finding the right meds is not easy.

Today I am somewhere between paralyzed with despair and invincible elation, but I am far from stable and I could go either way tomorrow. I am praying for my meds to work and for stability to return.

Neglected Blogs. Blogs and I need some TLC

I haven't been writing here. I have barely been able to write on my main blog, My Scared Insanity. That is the thing with having a mental illness... my interests and capabilities can change so suddenly. I can go from having so much to say I can hardly STOP myself from writing, to not being able to find any meaningful words. I think I am somewhere in between right now, but I am going to use this blog again for its intended purpose. My random thoughts and rants that aren't directly related to anything.

I must admit I have a specific thought right now that I am a little too chicken to ask on my main blog. Why did I lose all interest from all of my followers? I may find the courage to ask over there, although I guess I am afraid of asking no one because I don't seem to have any interested readers anymore. I remember a time when I used to post and I would have like 5 responses within the hour. Ironically I started the blog just for myself, not even realizing there would be anyone interested in my writing, but I came to depend on and look forward to everyone's support and comments. Is it because of the time where I was absent and neglected both blogs? Did everyone feel betrayed because I had been drinking so much? Did my writing just start sucking? I guess I can only go back to writing from my heart and if I am able to help one person then I should be thankful and maybe one day there will be people who care enough to comment again. I just feel like I messed up such a good thing.

just so sad and lonely

I just don't feel good. Don't know which way I am going. Simple things seem so freakin hard lately- both physically and mentally. Im up one minute, down the next five. I feel like nobody is listening, and I don't even know what it would mean if they were. I am afraid to feel. I just want to be loved, want to be important to somebody. I surely miss my grandpa and grandma, and my mom and Thomas. Why do all the people who loved me have to be gone? Why couldn't I see it when they were here and love them back?

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?

venting

When I am the sickest, or the most emotionally disturbed, is when it takes the most work to get better. It is also when I have the least energy and motivation. Some things only get worse with time and its a snowball effect. I want to feel better, oh how I so desperately want to feel better, but I don't feel good enough to get going in the wrong direction. It will eventually get to the point that my fight or flight kicks in. I don't like functioning on crisis mode either. I definitely need to find it in me to implement some changes.

Go to Jail Little Boy

Some things just do not go together. I do not know exactly where my parenting beliefs came from, but I think it is safe to assume that common sense plays a part. Today I was going to pick up my daughter 10 minutes early from school because she had a Dr's appointment. As I was walking by all the parents waiting for dismissal, I happened by a little boy who was wandering a little far from his mother. I assume he was about 2 years old. The Mom yelled at him to come back. He kept about his business of spinning around a pole.

The mother, who was arguing with someone on her phone, and appeared irritated with her son, walked closer to him and told him that the Police were coming for him. He looked towards her, but didn't move. She then said that if he didn't get over  by her, the Police were coming and he would go to jail. He still didn't move, so she walked up to him, grabbed him by the arm, and pulled him back to the giant flower pot she had been standing near. I couldn't help but thinking how sad it is that a parent would put fear into such a young child, and would use law enforcement as the means to control her 2 year old son.

I continued on in the school, and signed out my daughter. We walked down the halls and back out to the front of the school. I noticed that the little boy was back playing at the pole, as his mom paced by the pot, still engaged in an argument on the phone. Guess the police never came, and the 2 year old lucked out that he isn't going to jail today

and just because....

my thoughts are racing and its just me and Victorya (3) and she is grouchy and I am too tired and hurting to get out of this chair.....

Everybody has been sick since we moved into this duplex. We had concerns of mold when we moved in, but the landlord appeared to resolve them. Now I am not so sure. I have looked up "leaky houses" and found some sources that say small amounts of constant moisture and mold (not even black mold) can cause depression and anxiety. I am just so unsure of why my niece got so much more incredibly sick when she got here. I am so freaked out by the level my son's anxiety is at. I have never experienced anxiety, especially the uncontrollable kind that seems based on simple sounds or colors like his is. For some reason I just have this feeling that some of these things are related to this house in some way. I came accross a paranormal investigator's blog and I even entertained the idea that something paranormal could be contributing to all of the negativity we have experienced in the last year. Am I being paranoid?

Just some insight into what my current dysfunction is.... my 3 year old is running around naked cause she refuses to put anything on and I am too tired to make her. She helped herself to 1/3 a loaf of bread and all I could do was ask her if she closed the fridge. She ate all of the insides and littered the crusts all over the floor and I just sat here typing, occasionally glancing at the mess. Then I had a brilliant idea and I called the yodeling french bulldog, Bonita, that we rescued, to eat up the mess. She did better than a vacuum would of. Ironically, we rescued her because our cousin that owned her couldn't deal with her separation anxiety, which is what leads to her unique and incredibly annoying yodeling behavior.

Since being here, her yodeling initially only occurred when faced with a closed door or when everyone left the house. We decided that kenneling her might be contributing to her insecurities, so we decided to let her have free roam of the house. She freaked out on the rats for awhile and tried eating them through the cage. They seem to have come to an understanding. She will sit patiently and stare at them and they will go about their business and she doesn't yodel at them any more.

She is growing on all of us and she hardly ever yodels anymore. It is such a unique and annoying noise, but I admit I might miss it if she stopped doing it completely, because it is pretty damn funny, as long as no one is trying to sleep :)

It feels so good to just get all my racing thoughts out there. My naked daughter is now asleep on the couch with half the middle of a piece of bread in hand. When my 10 year old gets here, I think I am going to help her raise the money she needs for an amusement park trip on Friday, by letting her do some of the chores my back won't let me do right now.

By the way, this flare up was caused by me thinking I could cut my son's surfer/skater shag hair into the Pauly D haircut he wanted. It turned out like he wanted, but it took several hours, and we didn't get done until 1 am. Then I had to help him style it, and we didn't have any Spiker or hairspray, just cheap gel, so it took some serious work! Then he slept sitting up so he wouldn't mess it up.

out of order

I am. I am out of order. I was trying to do an emotional purge on my other blog and I just can't finish it. My back pain is debilitating and it is getting to me in a major way. I am already dependent on pills for my (still) undiagnosed stomach pain and nerve pain from my body lift. I have been taking more of those pills for my back pain because I know narcotics are in my future if I go to the Dr.

I probably need them. I did the regimen of steroids, percocet, and muscle relaxers that the ER prescribed and it physically helped me.... until the pills ran out. They left behind psychological effects. I don't like Dr's.I don't like pills and I don't like that they always have side effects. I don't like trying to explain hours of agony, feelings that I am unsure of the origin, trying to decipher side effects vs. real symptoms, and having a Dr. listen for a short 15 minutes, just to throw out a Rx for more pills with more side effects and dependency risks and suggestions to go to other miserable 15 minute appointments with different "specialists" or "therapists."

I have worked through so much emotional stuff and learned to manage my bipolar without meds, but I do not know how to handle it when I am in physical pain that is restricting me from taking care of my home, my kids, and myself, and the solution is pills with psychological side effects. I think some sort of physical therapy may be helpful, but I can barely drag myself around my house today. The idea of getting in a car and going to a Dr's office seems impossible. Then there is the issue of finding an appointment time in the few business hours available so that someone is home with the kids, and I still have to manage 2 therapy appointments a week for my son.

I don't want sympathy and I know I will have no choice except to find a solution. I will dig deep and I will push through like I always do. I am just especially tired. I am also afraid because I am manic right now and if depression were to replace it, things would spiral further down.

I haven't had to deal with a serious physical limitation like this in so long. I don't even know if I mentioned what happened. I pulled a muscle in my back when trying to clean up the laundry room floor after the sewage back up was fixed. Everything sets me back. I keep pushing myself too much apparently.

Ok I did it, I am on the phone with Dr's office. Apt. Friday at 8:30 am. probably going to have to take 3 year old, but it is a start. Did I mention I don't like Dr's?